Chapter 9 Reading Losing My Virginity Manufar Rashin Budurci by MADHURI BANERJEE

he said sincerely."

"So I dried my tears and felt better. He took my hand and we started walking towards the shack. How fickle a woman s mind is when she s in love. She oscillates between confusion and logic all the while trying to find scraps of hope and reassurance. The unspoken truth is that a woman always knows that her first instinct is right. Not the one that her heart led her towards, but the one that told her to be cautious."

"We sat at the shack and he broke the ice by talking about my favourite subject, art. We were chatting about our favourite painters when he suddenly said, You know I ve always wanted a tattoo. "

" Really? Why? I asked, sipping on my third glass of wine hoping I would get drunk enough quickly to obliterate the last few hours."

" Because I think a tattoo is an expression of something that is inherently you, and is a permanent piece of art. "

"I smiled and said wryly, Ya, till you re about sixty with shriveled skin. "

"Then he leaned over and caressed my arm and said tenderly, You ll never have shriveled skin. "

"I looked at him warmly, but shook my head and became all prim again, Okay, so here s a question! Since we are all changing as human beings, what if who we are today, is not what we will be at sixty? Do you still want that permanent piece of art on you? "

He looked thoughtful and rubbed his stubble chin. The one that I had become so used to kissing some four hours ago but was deliberately trying not to maul right now. I think most people get tattoos because it s cool or funky or some such shit. They don t realize that it s not like a new pair of jeans that you can throw away after a year. A tattoo has to be symbolic as well as be aesthetically pleasing. Like people who get Om tattoos

because they believe in its philosophy. But if you get something dumb like an ancient

"Egyptian sign that means nothing to you, just looks very good, all over your backside, well & He shrugged his shoulders and continued, I have nothing to say about that. "

"I smiled again. It was so easy to be with him. He could pull me into a conversation on any topic and we would be laughing and debating in no time. But the nagging feeling of him being married just wouldn t go away. I didn t know how I was doing this. A few hours ago, I had wanted to take him back to my hotel, and now we were discussing some lame tattoos. What was happening to me? Why didn t I just leave and go back to Mumbai and forget about this man? But since I had made up my mind to be his friend at least, I thought I should be chummy and nice. In any case, this was the last evening we would have together before I flew off to reality. I should make the most of our last supper. But I fell silent. I couldn t go on talking about random things. It became tougher as the night wore on. My mind was conflicted for the first time and I didn t have control of the situation at hand."

"God, we had got along so well! Is this what a real relationship would be like? I thought."

"We had had a great time together, pulled each other s leg and we could talk about anything under the sun. And to feel all this for a man in just forty-eight hours was so unexpected and pleasant. It was then that I thought of Aditi again. I hadn t spoken to her in the past week. What would she say about this new development in my life? Would she tell me to just go with my heart or slap my face and tell me that I can do better with my life?"

"But where was the better ? I was thirty years old. I had dated men in my twenties and even recently, I had gone out with a few people. My parents had given me full freedom to choose my life partner. But where was he?"

" Hello! Arjun snapped his fingers and broke my chain of thought. His smile made me blush. He had probably guessed what I had been thinking about and looked at me romantically. Really, his eyes could not have shown more expression of what he wanted right there."

"He continued on the same topic. You know, the tattoo I would get is of the sun."

Gaudi s Sun.

" What? I asked, suddenly inquisitive."

" In Barcelona, there is this famous artist, Antoni Gaudi. Now, he depicted the sun in this most unusual way. It s a mosaic. It s vibrant with all these colours and layers. It s not just a sun, it s a symbol. It s a discourse on the real and the imagination. "

"I looked at him, trying to understand what he was saying. But he tried to impress me some more and continued, Kaveri, Gaudi is more than just a painter, an artist or an architect. His work carries meaning to different realms. He uses nature to depict"

"something larger. It s actually quite fantastic! he said, smiling to himself."

"I looked at him then. A part of me wanted to hear more about this, to listen to this man talk forever. He inspired me. He motivated me. He understood me. Wasn t that what a perfect man was supposed to be?"

But that voice of Reason came back and my headache returned.

" Please, Arjun. Stop. I can t talk about random stuff anymore. I don t care about the tattoo. I care about us. Will this end as soon as we finish dinner? Will we have nothing more to go on with? I rambled. I sounded foolish even to myself. But I was a little lost girl in this forest of love."

"He took my hand and looked into my eyes, Not if you don t want to. "

"He had really opened up to me. If he was truthfully saying his marriage was over, then why shouldn t he move on? After all, a man also needs some fun in his life and he needs to have friends. What was the harm in me giving him that fun, and being a friend? This relationship was becoming more and more acceptable to me as we chatted. But a part of me was still angry and hurting. I blurted out, You should have told me you were married. I could have had the choice then to remain friends before & I caught myself from saying falling for you . I stopped mid sentence."

I m sorry I led you on. But please give me a chance!

" But you re married Arjun, I said softly shaking my head. I can t be & I ve never been & my morals & I m & I struggled to get the correct words."

"He took my hand and put both of his over it and held it tight for a long time. Then he looked at me and brushed my hair away from my face. Please. Stop saying that. It doesn t matter. Sometimes you find your soul mate after your marriage & You re so beautiful, he whispered. Just give me a chance. "

Was he my soul mate? Was he supposed to be anything? But my brain told me to get over the married part and look at him more clearly. Was he what I had wanted if he was single? And the answer was right there in front of me. I knew then what I had to do.

" Arjun, I said softly. How about you come back to my room and we chat there for a bit? The music is too loud here, I said trying not to sound desperate."

"He looked at me as if it was a test. Are you sure, Kaveri? I don t want you to regret anything later and blame me for it. "

" I m a grown woman. I know what I m doing, I said with more stubbornness than confidence. I was actually a little tipsy and didn t really know what I was doing. But you only live once, I thought. Maybe I ll never find the right man. Maybe, when I told the Universe I wanted to lose my virginity, it didn t answer back with, Here s the perfect single guy who wants to spend the rest of your life with you, Kaveri. "

"I didn t want to wait till the perfect single guy came along. I might have to wait for years, and by then I would be old and haggard. I mean, look at Aditi who has been sleeping with all the wrong men and she still hasn t come across the one person she"

"loves and is willing to marry. Arjun was my Great Love. There, I said it. I had found"

"him. The man I was looking for, to give me what I needed, yearned for and desired all my life. My Great Love. Who cared if he was married? He was there. And he wanted me."

"I could either take that chance now, or wait till I got married to someone else. Besides I had promised myself that I would be true to my values . The conflict had been killing me all day. It had to stop now. He paid up and we went to my hotel room."

Yes. I had made up my mind.

Thirteen

"Hotel room. This is not how I imagined it. He draws the curtains. Lights switched off. A warm glow comes from a corner. I look around and see it. Lavender scented candles. How? Hotel gift shop, he says. I m so scared. And yet eager. He approaches me. I m shy. He kisses me. Confidently. Deeply. Gently. He pulls my hands over my head to take off my shirt. Not yet, I whisper. He holds me tight. Gently. I ramble incoherently. He holds my chin up. You don t need to, he says, it s okay. I confess, this is new. He hesitates. I draw him in. I want it. I take off my shirt. I m self-conscious. Gasp. You re gorgeous! he mumbles. I fumble with the buttons of his shirt. He looks deep into my eyes. Not judging. Just wanting. Hoping. I see him. Striking body. Stunning bronze skin. He moves his hands down my back and draws me closer. He nuzzles my neck. I run my fingers through his hair. I m so unsure. Maybe I should stop. I try and speak."

"Unsuccessfully. He smothers any words that may emanate from me. Sure movements of the tongue. Deft. I sigh. I stumble back, and we land on the bed. He swivels me around and kisses my back. His hands tenderly move to my breasts. I want more. He gently lays me down. I quiver with anticipation. He kisses my navel. Glides down. I stop him. Too soon. Silence. He continues. Oh God! What have I been missing! It s so wrong."

"He s not mine. He finds me with his mouth. I moan. He breathes me in. Don t stop, I beg. He smiles. Are you ready, he asks? No. Yes. Now. He pulls me down, holds my leg and begins to slide into me. I groan. Should I stop, he asks afraid to hurt me. Yes, no, don t stop, I beg. He moves in deeper. It burns. Long, slow strokes. Softly. Surely."

"Gently. So good, I murmur. Faster, harder, rougher. Pain. Pleasure. Oh, I know now. My back arches. He holds me tighter, breathing heavily. My nails dig into his back. He smiles at me as he moves. A half-smile. Eyes locked with mine. Not flinching. The room smells of us. Of love. Of lust. Of sweat. Sigh. Minutes become hours, night becomes day. Our bodies still entwined. Am I doing this correctly, I think. And then, right there, I know. I let go. He unwinds. We smile. I say with my eyes I m a woman. I m Yours. I m Whole. He knows."

"Coffee. That was my first thought. I have no idea why but I guess since I ve never been too much into alcohol, the first comfort, warm feeling I wanted was from a hot cup of coffee."

So I got up and made myself a cup of coffee. It was almost dawn now. The most beautiful sky I ve ever seen lay before me as I sat on a chair near a window overlooking the sea. My body trembled from all the action of the last few hours. My skin couldn t

stop tingling. My heart was overwhelmed with the feeling of being loved and my body

was exhausted from being appreciated. It had been fantastic and I had no more words left.

"He got up and sat on the other chair by the window. In my hotel room. With his cup of tea. The sun was hitting him from behind the large windows. God, he was good looking! If he hadn t been, it wouldn t have been worth it. Really, that was shallow, but it was true. The fact that his amazing smile and personality added to his looks helped. But no, I was digressing from the fact: HE WAS MARRIED!"

"Shit. That made me The Other Woman, I never thought I would be! Especially, when I d been a virgin till only a few hours ago. But I didn t want to think about that. The more I tried to shut my mind to that fact, the more it kept coming back."

"I remembered that Alanis Morissette song, Ironic. The one thing you really want from life and when you get it, it turns out to be at the wrong time. So we sat in silence and finished our coffee and tea. It was my turn to speak and he respected that. So I made him wait. I didn t know what to say anyway. I should have asked him to leave, and told him that I never want to see him again."

"But then, I was in love. In love with a married man. Love."

One word.

"So many questions and never any right answers. A word that makes people do extraordinary things in my case, extraordinarily stupid things. My senses had deserted me. A word that is most clich�d and yet most potent. I knew now what I had been missing. But I also knew that it couldn t have been with any of those men that I had met earlier. No. This was destiny. Fate had brought us together at this stage to share our bodies and our lives and know that it didn t take a lifetime to get to know a person."

Sometimes it took seconds.

"And let s not forget the Love-Making. I thought it would be awkward but it was not. It was tender and gentle. Yes, it hurt, but it was this lovely feeling, like when you jump into a blue, inviting, cold sea on a hot day, it stings at first but the feeling when you re in that water with the sun on your back, it was like that. It was exhilarating. It felt like I was finally free."

"The memory would not be bitter if we had to part now forever. But, oh god, would we have to part forever? I felt guilty and yet so happy. I smiled at him. I had got into this knowingly, from the beginning. But I was beginning to feel crummy about what we had to do now."

" So what should we do now? I asked, hoping for some answer that would make me happy without the guilt pangs."

"He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and said, Take a shower? "

I smiled. You know what I mean.

"He took a sip of his drink and said, This is nice and hot. You know how to make it exactly as I like it. He was moving away from the topic. I felt uncomfortable. I had led him on. I had made him sin. Adultery. I felt ashamed. Thank you. I have a knack, I said nonchalantly to his compliment on the tea. I think he guessed my tone."

Unsure.

"He nodded and continued, I think you re the most beautiful, intelligent, enigmatic woman I ve met. And I have no idea what to do from here. So, what you want to do is completely up to you. "

"I stayed quiet, thinking this over. I finished my coffee and kept it back on the table in front of us. I wanted to ask him if he loved me the way I loved him. But I knew that was a stupid question. Because I think only women are capable of feeling such strong emotions within such a short span of time."

" I want us to remain friends, I said finally."

" Just friends? he asked, too quickly and eagerly. Thankfully."

" I m not so sure that this relationship can be any more than that, I replied. I wanted it to be more and yet I had all these conflicting emotions. What would my parents have thought of me if they knew the truth?"

" Kaveri, he said, putting his cup down firmly, I want more than a friendship. What we had & he stopped and took a deep breath and continued, You know what & whatever you say is okay with me. And that s all he said. And then he got up and went to take a

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