Chapter 10 Reading Losing My Virginity Manufar Rashin Budurci by MADHURI BANERJEE

shower."

"Did he want a relationship or a commitment or a fling? What exactly did he mean, I wanted to ask? But I just stayed quiet, happy in the thought he wanted something at least. But we had a whole lot of issues to clear up. So I asked after him, Arjun, you re married. How do we take this further anyway? "

" Arjun! I asked again, hesitantly."

"He came out of the shower after five minutes with a towel wrapped around him and said dispassionately, You know, we ll just have to be careful. I don t want us to be seen by anyone where the news might go back to her. I want to break it to her once she s back from her mom s place in Assam. "

So I nodded and agreed. It would hurt his wife. He was right in being cautious.

" And, he continued, as he gelled his thick black hair, we ll have to see how we feel about each other and take our relationship forward. "

"See how we feel? I m already in love with you, I wanted to say. But he didn t feel it. He wanted to test the waters, which I suppose was a logical thing to do. Maybe I could show him how much he could be in love with me. I thought I would prove what an indispensable, desirable, devoted girlfriend I could be and then he would realize that he"

was in love and marry me.

" Sure, I said nonchalantly and headed to the bathroom. But he pulled me closer to him and held me tight."

" I want whatever you want. I ll spend as much time with you as I can and we ll see where this goes once we go back to our daily lives, okay? I nodded and before I could say anything, he pulled me down on the bed and moved his head towards my neck again. He started kissing me softly on my ear."

" I have a whole lot of tricks that you haven t seen yet, he said in a naughty tone and I smiled and said, Show me. "

"Later when I was in the shower, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I knew I had changed in the last three days. I had gone from being a woman who didn t know anything about men to one desperate to hold on to the man she had just slept with. So what if he was married? I had taken on challenges in my life and this was just another one. He himself had said his marriage was on the decline. I just needed to push it down the drain. And then I would be Mrs Arjun D Souza. I didn t want to wash away this smell of him that was on me now. I didn t want to dissolve the feeling on my body of sweet surrender. I didn t want Greek God to be a fling. I wanted permanence. My plan was already hatching in my head when he entered the bathroom and kissed me. He dragged me back outside and we went back to a routine we became familiar with only a few hours ago."

"Then after taking a shower and making love for the third time that morning, we quickly packed and he drove me to the airport. We parted like lovers and promised we would meet during the week once he came back to Mumbai. I was looking forward to meeting"

"Aditi, and telling her about my plan. Oh, she would be so proud of me!"

Fourteen

"Once I was back in Mumbai, the first person I wanted to call was Aditi. I really didn t know how she would react to me seeing a married man, and to top that, sleeping with him. I decided to go over to her place since she text messaged that she was at home, cleaning her cupboards."

"Aditi had taken the decision to live in Lokhandwala all her life. When I had first come to Mumbai, she had just moved into a two-bedroom apartment away from her parents in Pune. She wanted a roommate. And so I had become her first roommate. And we loved each other s company, not to mention the apartment itself. It was on the fifth floor overlooking a mangrove, which was so rare for an area like Andheri. It had two small bedrooms with attached bathrooms, but the living room was large and extended out to a balcony. We had bought colourful throw cushions for one corner and a low divan as a sofa for the other wall. We used to sit most evenings contemplating life over cups of Irish coffee. Sure, we could barely afford it but, as she said, if it wasn t a nice space, it wouldn t have been so much fun."

"Then her parents visited us and soon enough, started regularly occupying her room while she slept on the divan outside. Feeling it was much too crowded for me, I moved out and found a place in Bandra while her parents permanently settled into our apartment. By now they had presumed it was their place, too, and Aditi occupied my old room."

"I felt awkward about talking to her in front of her parents about this new development in my life, but since she had insisted that I come over, I had no option. I greeted her parents and sat with them in the living room and answered politely all their queries about work and laughed appreciatively about becoming grey before a man came into my life, as her mother fondly gave me tea and glucose biscuits."

"Then Aditi said she had to finish cleaning her wardrobe and we were excused while her parents went back to watching TV, which was on mute even when they were conversing with me."

" So how was your vacation? Aditi asked, as she opened her light brown cupboard door and threw out some clothes from the bottom shelf on to the bed."

" Good, I said casually, going towards the window to look at the mangrove below. I missed seeing it every morning. Over a period of time, Bandra had become one concrete jungle and trees were a rare sight."

" Don t give me that. I know something is up. Tell, na, she said, as she sat down on the"

bed folding the clothes into piles.

" Okay, I sat down on the chair next to the window, still holding my cup of tea that had become cold. It was much too sweet for my liking anyway. Can I please have some coffee, with sugar separately? I asked."

" Nandu! she bellowed, in the direction of the kitchen to their full-time servant, Ek pheta hua coffee, cheeni alag se. Jaldi! (One brewed coffee with sugar served separately, and make it quick!) Then she turned towards me and raised her eyebrows in question again, all the while sorting out her clothes."

I met someone & I said quietly so that her parents wouldn t hear.

"She almost squealed till I raised my finger to my lips and pointed to the door reminding her of her parents. I couldn t imagine how Aditi, being so outgoing, lived with her parents, especially since she had come to Mumbai to find her freedom."

" They can t hear, yaar! They re too obsessed with watching the new Sony serials on full blast. So tell me, who is this gem you ve managed to find & "

"I was careful as I spoke, He works in Mumbai. He s from Goa, though. And I think I m in love with him! "

" What? she asked incredulously, How long were you in Goa? A year? How can you be in love so fast? "

"So I went on to describe the first date and Aditi listened in rapt attention with oohs and aahs at the same places where, a few days ago, I had been thinking the same thoughts. When I finished, I had omitted the part that was most important."

"But she jumped up and came to me and gave me a big hug and said, I m so happy for you, Kavu! Tell me all about it? How was the first time? "

" Well it hurt pretty badly but he went slowly over a long period of time and we did a whole lot of other things that made it really comfortable. She waited for me to continue, but I didn t want to elucidate, all of a sudden. I felt that this was really private and it should be so. It should not be discussed in detail with even your best friend. I wanted it to be a memory I would cherish and not something that Aditi could take apart for her pleasure. So I shrugged my shoulders and said, That s it. "

That s it? she shrieked. Shut up! Tell me what he did and how you felt. I still can t believe you did it with a total stranger! I knew she would think that. That s why I didn t want to tell her that I did it with someone who was my soul mate .

"Explaining that to Aditi would have taken longer than describing the experience so I just threw my hands in the air and said, See, you re off the hook now! Mission De- virginization accomplished! "

"She shrieked again and gave me another hug while her mother shouted out from the living room if everything was okay. Aditi assured her that all was in place, shouting back."

Honestly I didn t know how Aditi could have had so many men given her strict

"upbringing, the constant watch of her parents from a few feet away and a full time"

servant in the same house to boot!

I smiled.

"Just then Nandu came in with my coffee and I started sipping it not knowing how to explain the part that I was deliberately leaving out. Aditi sensed something was up and asked then, So what s wrong? Why are you not telling me everything? "

"I knew I would have to tell it all, so I took my time, I think he s great and all and I m completely in love and he s also smitten, but & I paused."

" But? she prodded. I didn t want to ruin the moment but it would have haunted me if I didn t tell her right away. But the moment I said it, I knew that I would regret it for the rest of my life."

He s married.

" He s MARRIED? she hollered, throwing her hands up in the air characteristically, the drama queen."

" Shhhhh. Please! I said, hoping her mother wouldn t come rushing in now. I so wished we weren t having this conversation with her parents in the other room. Especially since I felt that I had sinned deeply in front of people who thought I was a great influence on their daughter s life and let them down."

"She looked at me and gave me a very disapproving look. She shook her head and said,"

Leave him now. Before you get hurt.

"I couldn t believe this! Here was my best friend who had slept with men indiscriminately, being completely unsupportive when it came to me. The least she could do was to have asked if he was getting a divorce which he had promised me."

"Somewhat. So I told her about his situation and that he had promised to get a divorce and be with me, but since our relationship was very new, he was taking it slow with me but that he did see a future. Maybe he hadn t said divorce and future so explicitly but I could feel it from him and added it to Aditi to make a more solid argument for me being in love with a married man ."

" Kaveri, she spoke, with authority and contempt, married men do not get a divorce. It s an urban myth. She enunciated every word as if I needed to be taught this valuable lesson about life."

" That s not true! Some people do. But anyways, I know what I m doing and I want you to be happy for me. "

She stuffed the rest of her clothes back in her wardrobe and shrugged her shoulders. I knew she was angry with me for going against her laws of finding men.

"It was my turn to get annoyed. Okay, why do you say it s an urban myth? I asked rather hurtfully."

Because I ve been there. I ve been with a married man. Don t you remember Sanjay?

"That was precious time of my life that went to waste, Kaveri, she shot back."

"I had always been a little defensive around Aditi. Our relationship was one of mentor and student and there had been times when she had had her heart broken and I had made her rum cake with Irish coffee, but I had never doled out advice about men to her. I had always listened. Then again, what could you really tell someone who was inconsistent and erratic in relationships in any case?"

But this was the first time that I didn t want to listen. I wanted her to be happy for me.

Just because her love hadn t worked out didn t mean mine would not as well.

"Besides, our mission had been accomplished. She should have wanted to celebrate."

"But here she was, acting like an aggrieved parent whose star child had decided not to pursue the chosen path."

"So I kept quiet. And looked away from her. I could not argue with her. I didn t have too many explanations myself, but I wanted her to be happy for me. I was crestfallen."

"So all I could say was, Not all married men are the same. And I prayed that she would believe me."

"It was five minutes of awkward silence before Aditi softened up, I m sorry. It s your life. I was just being protective. Of course, I m happy for you. Just keep one thing in mind, treat an affair as it is an affair. Have minimum expectations and do things according to your convenience, not his. Okay? She asked, assuming the mentor s role again."

I nodded.

"She came over and gave me another hug and we made up. But deep down I could make out that she really hadn t forgiven me. I knew that maybe I should not tell her too much. I wanted to prove her wrong. Love did change people. Married men did divorce if the right person came along. It was no longer an ugly word, no longer a stigma in our society. I thought I would show her what a perfect relationship could be by breaking"

"her myth, or what she had termed as urban legend ."

Fifteen

"Over the next few weeks, I met Arjun almost everyday. He would pick me up from home or a conference and we would go out for drinks and dinner. Then we would go back to my place and make love a few times before crashing out on either side of the bed, both of us needing our space in between. It was heavenly. We got to know each other so well that it felt like we were married. Maybe the reason for that was because he stayed over so often that he had become a part of my daily existence."

"I knew what Aditi had been talking about now, when she d said, You know when you really feel love , all the clich�s come true, the happiness and the pain, the longing and the celebration. Until you have that, you re not really in love. I could now understand the people around me who spoke about love and relationships. Until now, it had remained an elusive figure from a distant land."

"As I got to know Arjun better, I realized we had many differences. Sure, he liked art and was a klutz like me, but that s where the similarities ended. When he wanted Italian, I would have a craving for Mughlai. He loved the mountains, I loved the beach. He liked jazz, I liked Madonna. He wanted to watch TV, I wanted to read. He wanted to go out, I wanted to stay in and order food. It seemed at every stage we were finding new subjects to differ on. But it was a new experience to know someone so different from me, who I was so hypnotized by. We listened to each other explaining what we liked and why we liked them. It gave us a new perspective to things. Here was a man I could finally look up to. I admired his sure way of taking charge and giving me the peace of not arranging things that I had done all my life."

"For so many years I was the one who had decided everything, my move to Mumbai, my translating projects, my apartment, my maid, my daily groceries, paying bills, taking broken things to repair shops. To make so many decisions on a regular basis at every minute of your life for someone as laid back as me had been taxing. I could finally surrender to someone who wanted the best for me. And Arjun did it so well. He made my home, his home. He would call the grocery man and have things delivered. He would order food when we had a hard day at work. He would tell the maid what to cook and Bharat Gas when to come. He took control. And he controlled my life."

"The maid was a little flabbergasted at first seeing

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